Hi everyone, I know it has been a long time and I am not really sure how many people check this thing anymore, probably none, but never the less I think I owe everyone an explanation as to why I disappeared. After I tried to run away from home and was caught I felt so ashamed of all the pain and suffering I cause to countless people and I didn't really know what to do, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die, I felt like I couldn't face the anyone anymore i tried to avoid people at all cost and just live in the shadows and eventually disappear... I decided to quit high school and go to college which didn't go all that well ether I couldn't keep my grades up and I just was running up debt so I quit that too and started working. As for transitioning, that came to a screeching halt when i returned from Florida partly because of financial reasons and partly because i was and still am unsure of myself.

For as long as i can remember i have always felt like i was standing at a crossroads completely paralyzed unable to move forward in fear or what could happen i honestly don't know if i am transgendered or not in all honesty it could have been my attempt to escape from reality maybe not... Now I don't want you to think that it was lie almost everything i said was true to this day is still am jealous and envious of girls for so many reason but i don't know if thats because i see it as a means of escape or what my true self should be... these things keep running through my head making me question everything i am and what if any future i have.

i do hope that this doesn't hinder any of my existing friendships or any friendships that have yet to be created i just wanted to get it off my chest.

I am sorry for everything.

mood   //    Lost in thought

Hey, its been a while since I last wrote on here... Well your all probably wondering what has happened in my life since then, so I'm going to fill you in. In April, when i returned from Florida, I decided that it would be best to drop out of high school. Soon there after I took the GED test and upon passing it I enrolled in the fall semester in college. In June I volunteered for a total of 35 hours over the three days of the Twin Cities Pride Festival, which was fun because I met a lot of unique people during that time. During the summer I worked for a friend of the family, helping him build his new house and prepare his old house to sell. Towards the end of the summer I was working at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival on the weekends as a runner (which is basically someone that brings food items to the booths so it can be prepared and served to the costumers). I started my first semester at college in late August taking four classes: Public Speaking, Writing and Research Skills, Biology of Women, and General Psychology. Since starting college I have met many new people and have found new friends and companions. I do miss my friends from high school whom I have grown up with but it can't be helped... they have moved in with there lives and so have I, we are all different people now. I now attend college every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and volunteer at the Middle School in town every Tuesday and Thursday; I am trying to find a weekend job because I currently have no form of income but that is not going to well right now. As for transition progress... I put that on hold for now, I decided that once things have become more stable in my life that I will worry about it then but until that time I sit quietly thinking of the things to come, waiting for my liberation from this body. Things are better now... to some degree.

mood   //    calm

Well the time has come for me to move out of the house... I am not going to go the route I had originally planed because that way seems to be getting me no where. Instead I decided to hop a bus to Florida and live with a good friend of mine down there. The problem that I have run into now is that I don’t have enough money for the bus ticket therefore I added a donation thingy. I honestly don’t expect anyone to donate at all its not like I provide you with some form of entertainment and its not like you have money to spare but meh someone thought I should do it so I am. The ticket is going to cost me $89 and I only have $20 right now... I might be able to get more but I am not sure... I would like to leave in the middle of March so I need to come up with $70 in two - three weeks...

mood   //    relieved

I thought I would give you an idea of what I look like but because I am still working on the photo gallery thing I decided to just post a couple of photos in a post. The following pictures were taken two days ago and my hair is a mess on top of that I don't look that good to begin with. Well here they are:

mood   //    dorky

Yea I know I said in the morning.... I was tired so sue me... Let’s see here where to pick up from... OH! Yea nothing really happened with the whole gas thing... Wednesday went ok other then my friends continued to pester me. Thursday on the other hand sucked... I got my car stuck in a ditch on the way heading to school and while attempting to get myself out I ended up messing up my bumper. In the end I walked home and called my dad which called my uncle which came to get my car out. By the time that was done I had missed my first hour class. During school I was still getting the same stuff I have gotten all week from my friends and I was debating whether or not to cancel my appointment with my therapist due to the fact that my bumper might fall off while I was driving. I ended up going anyways and my bumper stayed on thank god. My therapist was worried about me... I told her that on Sunday I was pretty suicidal but I had calmed down and wasn't anymore. She still was worried about me so she gave me a bunch of different numbers to call if I ever felt like I was about to harm myself. The rest of the day was pretty blahish and that continued into Friday to. The weekend was ok and by Monday I was feeling better and this entire week has been ok for me. The week was pretty ok, I was only in school for two days because we are having new windows put in and my dad wanted me to stay home and keep an eye on the guy doing it. I donno other then me slowly running out of hormones and getting hit in the chest with a football in gym the past week has been pretty uneventful. I still don't feel the same as I used to... ever since snowball I have gotten really quiet in real life and online I just don’t feel like talking.... at all. It is weird I have had this underlying feeling of deep depression and I can’t figure out why....... Stupid Snowball you fucked me up pretty good.

mood   //    depressed

Well today sucked, I ended up being late for school because no one woke me up. Then when I was at school I was still kinda depressed and stuff so I had a bunch of people bothering me trying to figure out what was wrong, I am not saying that they were bad for doing it I just kinda wanted to be left alone. Then after school I stick around after school waiting for the speech team coach to show up because I needed to talk to her and like normal she was late. After waiting for a good 45 minutes she shows up and they start there practice and stuff, in the end I didn’t get to talk to her till 4:30ish and we get out of school at 2:15. When I did finally get to talk to her she started trying to get me to go to some church retreat which I really didn’t care about. On my way home I ran out of gas and ended up having to stop at this place that sells milk so I could use there phone. I tried to call my dad but I got his voice mail so I walked for a mile to my grandma's house to see if she had any which she didn’t so I ended up getting a ride home with someone. It will be interesting to see how my dad reacts when he gets home....
Today sucked.

mood   //    exhausted

Well it has been a while to say the least..... A lot has changed, I am no longer grounded and I am now able to do stuff. My father gave up on me when he found out I was calling myself into school for doctors’ appointment to get out of school. Every time I ever did that it was so I could go meet people in Minneapolis. Anyways so now I guess you could say that I am free...... and yet I am not. I am dealing with the shadows of my isolation now; it seems like once one bad situation ends I am hurled into one that is as bad or worse.

After being isolated for four months you start to lose your ability to socialize with people, you start to forget what it is like to be around a bunch of people. This is what I am dealing with now, I am having social anxiety problems, (I am having a hard time being around people) the bigger the groups the worse it gets. I was at a formal school dance and I ended up having a panic attack and huddling up hugging my knees crying, after that I just went home. Every time that I am out doing something with people not only do I feel totally disconnected but I find myself wishing I was just at home. I can't even have fun when I try to now and that totally depresses me.

Other then that I think I have lost all of my ability to feel anything but pain, loneliness, and sadness. I used to feel numb, the emotions were there but they wouldn’t come out at all. Now I just feel nothingness, it is as if those feeling don’t exist at all. It sucks when all you can do is torment yourself, when everything you do seems to make matters worse. I am starting to give up hope that things are going to get better. I am losing my will to live, I don’t plan anything anymore, I don’t look forward to anything, no goals, no ambitions. Why try to work towards something if you always fail at it and you only end up depressing yourself even more because you failed.

This is my life right now...... I don’t know how much more I can take.

mood   //    depressed

I have been on hormones for over seven months; I have a therapist and a doctor; I live in Minnesota which has about 7-8 GLBT support groups that are only like 45 minutes away from my house and yet I feel like shit. The hormones and the doctor is going on happening behind my parents back and the therapist I found on my own because my father wouldn't get me one when I told him I was depressed. I came out to my parents about 5 months ago, both totally rejected me. My father started calling me names behind my back and he would make fun of me to my face and my mother spent every moment that she was alone with me trying to convince me I was wrong. On top of that my dad will not let me tell my little sister and my brother knows but my dad has him by the balls so he has turned into my dads little spy. After I told my parents and they both rejected me and my grades dropped. Because my grades dropped I was grounded....... that hasn't changed in four months. Now normally when I get grounded it is just the normal stuff like I cant go over to friends houses and stuff like that but this time it is different.

I cant go over to friends house or have them over to our house.
I cant drive my car other then when I have an appointment with my therapist.
I am not aloud to get a job.
I am not aloud to be in any school activities.
I cant go to any school functions after the normal school day.
I have to ride the bus to school and ride it home and if a friend give me a ride I get in trouble for it.
I have to walk up our half mile driveway in the morning to get on the gus at 6:45AM and if I miss the bus there will be hell to pay.
In the evening if my dad has to pick me up from school he will drop me off where the bus normally would and make me walk home while he drives.
If I get sick I get yelled at and I get bitched out about stuff I have no control over.
and there is more but I am not going to get into that now.

This has been going on for four months. It has gotten to the point where I live in my room and avoid my dad at all costs. My only human interaction outside of school is my computer. I have to reach out to my computer for comfort and companionship. It is my only allie and it is basically my life line and yet what is it that I am reaching out to? all it is is text on a screen, data being transfered.... that is what is keeping me going. I feel like one of those people on a respirator, they live because of a machine and if you take that machine away they will die. I don't like this, life fucking sucks. People tell me I am lucky because I started so young and yet my life is reduced to this. My dad was out of town the past weekend and even though I was out hanging out with people I still felt alone, totally alone. Why the hell do I put up with this shit I just want to be left alone and yet thats not going to happen....... I feel so alone.

mood   //    crushed

Well yesterday, when I got home, my brother told me that the person from the host home program called for me; I called her back only to get her voice mail and after leaving a message the wait began. I basically waited for her to call al of last night for two reasons:
1. to figure out what she wanted to talk to me about
2. to figure out if she was going to be in the office today because I wanted to stop by and check in
Anyways, she never called back that night and I like spent the night wondering what she wanted.

School has been interesting lately, I think more of my friends are starting to notice changes in the way I act and look. There have been a few comments about it none of them like hurtful or anything just little comments. I have also pretty much decided that I am just going to get my GED and be done with it, the problem is though that my dad would never let me do that so I have to wait till I move out before I can do it.

Anyways today was suppose to be a full day and it ended up with me not having anything to do for a large part of the day. The goal was to meet with Anne (person from host home) then Janet (person I would like to be my case manager) then Caitlin (my therapist :: waves :: Hi Caitlin) but like everything else I normally try to do it didn't work the way I wanted to. Anne didn't call back so I never called Janet and I never talked to Anne about what time I should come to YouthLink. So what I ended up doing is driving around from 7:00 AM till like around 10:00ish AM, at that time I stopped at YouthLink and talked to Anne for about an hour. After that I still had like three hours kill before I had my appointment with Caitlin so I left my car at YouthLink and I walked to Nicollet Mall and did a little browsing. After I got bored with that I did a little more driving and by that time it was time for my appointment which went well like always.

After the appointment I went home and slept till like 8:30ish PM. Tomorrow it is back to school and yea that stuff BUT I have some good new (^_^) my father........... will.... be out of town for the weekend starting like right away when I get out of school. IT'S PARTY TIME.... well not really but I will be doing stuff.

mood   //    calm

:: Yawn :: I am awake its time to get ready for school. Ack we are going outside for gym........ can I stay home plllleeeeeease (~_~)........ darn. I am now getting ready to freeze my butt off outside this morning. This sucks.

mood   //    drained music   //   The Longships